What the Hell?

 Wait…June 15, 2009? That date was the last time I daggerfished this blog. Like, 16 years has passed. How?!? How did this happen? Have I really spent the last decade and a half being tooooo busyyyy to blog?? It’s not like I’m a rich, daring adventurer with money to spend physically sailing ships into Bombay or taking helicopters up mountains to ski avalanches. I’m not stranded on a deserted island, though there are days I wouldn’t mind. Just some days, hours even. Mostly I just lounge around the house trying to avoid socializing in person. The Internet is a Godsend (Dogsend) for people like me because we never need to brush our hair or put on pants in order to make a nuisance of ourselves online. Which makes it even more puzzling. I literally have the Internet at my fingertips but couldn’t daggerfish blog. Wth.

I’m going to go out on a limb and say it’s my ADHD, but honestly, hell if I know. I see the link to this blog every day on my FB page, but it clearly hasn’t entered my mind to post on it. To be fair, I do have the one track mind of a working sight hound in that everything else blurs around me except for my prey…err, I mean my daily goals. As the years have passed, those goals have become much simpler and easier to manage. Until bam, I wake up one beautiful spring day and What The Hell have I been doing for 16 years that I can’t even wedge an occasional word into an Internet blog? 

It’s not quite as bad as waking up from a coma, but still mind boggling. Sixteen years. My body has become all soggy and plouffy, and my brain is wilting and tilted slightly to the left, my nose can’t smell anything and my eyes are no longer the beautiful, glowing, deep green orbs of a top tier carnivore racing across fields of gold beneath a promising sky. Nay. I stubbed my toe getting up this morning and can barely digest meat without guzzling Pepto Bismol. Ugh. 

Obviously a lot of time has passed and a fucktillion things have happened since 2009. But instead of cramming 16 years into a paragraph or two, I’ll just mention any relevant points as I continue onwards. But this beautiful midmorning it’s just going to be all about getting a snack and then taking a nap 🤣 Perhaps my newly found brain will allow some deep, critical thinking and planification. Or muffins. 

Either, or.

Workin It, III

Been two months, (longer?) and I must say, it's been interesting. I'm beginning to understand why buff people seem so dumb...I think the body automatically shuts down sections of the brain in order for the muscles to get enough oxygen. I feel great and I look hot, but damn am I brain-dead. Seriously, all the calories must be going to my body, cuz I don't know dick. Ask me anything, ask me who Dick is, I cannot think up even a halfway intelligent answer, mostly I just kinda nod and try to look knowing. Fail. On the bright side, I'm getting back into shape, hell, I can crack walnuts with my bare thighs. Too bad I don't know what walnuts are. Maybe next month my brain will start up again. All this dumb-blondeness fun is wearing a tad thin.g. Speeling skills will prolly be the next thing to go. Sense of humor has departed. It's not funny!! >:-/

PS my boobs constantly hurt from being crushed and mangled and forced into tight sports bras. No wonder our female gym teachers were always so damn cranky. They had to wear the damn things 40 hours a week.

Workin It, II

still on second dvd. barely...enough...enrgy totype this plz send in teh Army i cant feel my arms anymore. bring gatorade.

fire bad, tree pretty.

my entire body hurts.

PS I look HOT :)

Workin It.

Ya know, there really is no way to impart the marvelousness of the humble endorphin. Endorphins are endogenous opioid polypeptide compounds. That's right. I wiki'd it. The key word here being opioid. As in "opiate", as in narcotic. As in heroin and morphine. I now realize that when my body was telling me it felt bad, it was actually telling me that it was going through withdrawals, that it is addicted to opiates and craves larger and larger doses. I shudder to think about how I will tell my family and friends that I'm a junkie. That I crave the feeling, the power, the lure of the drug. I will gladly sell my grandmother for an hour on the treadmill. That's right. You heard me. GLADLY. And her little dog, too. Fugly yapping thing is useless anyways. The dog, that is.

Anyways, I've totally revamped my entire workout strategy, and have reverted to the 80's aerobics workouts, complete with headband and spandex. The guy that invented Spandex should be knighted. Anyways, how this bit of unbelievableness occurred is this: I was thinking about how to upgrade my sweating, grunting, boringass workouts and improve them, when lo and behold, I saw a bunch of aerobic tapes whilst perusing Amazon.ca for something to read. While sitting on my procrastinating ass, yes. I was intrigued enough to read the reviews, and decided that really, who doesn't want to look like an aerobics instructor?? So I ordered the 4 DVD set, little understanding what I was getting into. Dear God.

I mean, don't get me wrong. I can run forever. I can lift weights for an hour and a half. I do yoga regularly, and have great flexibility. But to do them all at the same time? What kind of sadist thinks this stuff up? This (witch) instructor just about killed me. I sailed (ok, maybe sailed is a bit optimistic) through the first DVD, but only made it halfway through the second, where, panting and trembling, I had to stop or explode. And so I sat there, shaking and drooling, numbly questioning the meaning of Life. Is it to die, panting and wheezing, like a dehydrated dog on the side of a Death Valley road? Or is the meaning of Life to persist, to scrabble hand over scraped, raw hand, ever higher up the sheer cliff of insanity, just to risk plummeting to one's CO2 saturated death at the foot of a pile of inanimate rubble? WELL?

Well. I persisted. I am still only on the second DVD, but I can do the entire thing now, albeit with a few breaks along the way. Easy. Sure. The third DVD leers at me from the shelf, taunting me. Grinning malevolently. Holy Great Mother Of All That Is Good, please let me live another day.

PS I look HOT.

:)

Wow.

Just...wow. I can't believe I've let 4 monthes get past without blogging something. Granted, TV takes up a great deal of my winter time. Obviously, wayy too much of it. I'm sitting here trying to list my reasons for not posting on my blog, (mostly by way of being too busy doing other things), when I chanced to ponder...what things? Like, seriously. What takes up so much of my valuable time??

Sure, I've been spending more time at the gym. Okay. And it takes longer to drive to and from work in winter. Fine. And of course, my hobbies. I've been paying more attention to them lately. I created a Facebook page a few weeks ago and it has taken some time to become accustomed to. Okay. But what else?? And it hit me like a freight train...holy boobtube, Batman. The evil television set has literally sucked half a winter out of me!! Wow. Like, wow.

The scary part is that since I've missed a couple of episodes of my favorite shows, I was sitting here online just about to watch one. I was actually about to spend even more time watching TV...on my computer. Oh, the immense sadness this brings me. I think I've reached rock bottom of the addiction pit.

My sister facebooked me a message asking what about my blog, and I felt guilty enough to log on and sit here looking at the last intallment in shock. Wow. Sure, I've thought about blogging, pretty frequently, in fact. But I keep having other things to do, and I just put it off and put it off and now...wow.

Television has really taken over my life. I need to do something. I need my life back!! What do I do? whatdoidowhatdoidowhatdo...hmm. I know! Turn the damn thing off!! How simple is that?

American Idol. House. Gossip Girl. Lie To Me. CSI. Two Men. Friends. Dexter. etc etc etc...JUST SAY NO!!!

NO NO NO NO NO!! I want my life back, damn you all!

Okay, let's not get all bunched up in my own knotty panties. Let's go about this the proper way, with self control and organization. Obviously, I cannot just go all cold turkey. This is a serious addiction and needs to be dealt with thusly. Baby steps, one day at a time.

Firstly, choose 3 (THREE ONLY!!) favorite TV shows. Just three, do not cheat, you evil conniving witch. Write them down...write them down now, fool. Okay, so, American Idol. House. Dexter.

Now comes the simple part...you can download Dexter and House, or buy the season on DVD. That just leaves American Idol, and it's only on once a week. Piece of cake. The rest of the time, the TV will be OFF.

There will be serious consequences if you fail in your mission. I mean it!