My Bad.

Like, the weirdest crap happens to me at 3am. Some kind of epiphany thing. Back when I was more romantically inclined, I would call it Twilight Wolf time: the time of night when nothing moves but the yellow eyes of the wolves as they roam the deepest night thru moonlit glades. When I would awaken, mind brim full of wondrous ideas and wayfaring plans, I would revel in the magic, pondering the universe in the silver, wolf-filled moonlight. Most of my ideas would be completely forgotten by morning, when reality shines it's cold, stark logic over all dark yearnings. So I learned to write things down, and have kept a pencil and pad of paper beside my bed ever since. Granted, nowadays, it's just that annoying time of night when I wake up with a bladder full of hot pee and the dog hogging all the damn space in the middle of the bed. And the only things epiphanying are the nagging thoughts of all the things I have forgotten to do during the day, for which I am surely going to receive hell for, and which I am completely unable to do anything about as I perch shivering and half asleep on a moonlight white bowl of cold, swirling water.

Anyway, there I am, at 3am the other night, plunking my warm cheeks down onto an ice cold toilet seat, when it occurred to me...I hadn't gotten around to writing about my Extreme Sport of Choice. In all the excitement of my Caffeine Might Actually Be Good For You discovery, it got tossed by the wayside. I would have to correct this little oversight ASAP. Thank God for 3am. And paper beside the bed.

During my process of elimination thing, I started to realize just how few interesting sports there are out there. And what law says I gotta choose some lameass thing that someone else already invented? Why not invent my own sport? After all, I've been doing just that, inventing sportlike ways to risk my life, and really, none of barely scare me. What would I need? And, in fact, why does it have to be a sport? What's with the word sport, anyways? And what would it take to surpass the ahhh, sports I've already eliminated? What would it take to actually scare me? Aside from the startling appearance of a 6 inch fish with a parrotlike beak, that is. Something that even I would never joke about, that even I would not be able to look back upon and laugh about, something really, really scary. What is the only thing that scares me? And then it hit me..

Cosmetic surgery.

So, here it is, in my usual grand style. I do not do things halfway. My extreme sport of choice would of course have to be something dangerous, something life-threatening, something that not too many people have the balls (haha) to endure. And something completely unrequired. That's right. Breast augmentation surgery.

You got it, people. I am going to have my boobs done. Just up a cup size. I don't want to be Pamela. I do not need to look like I have canteloups duct-taped to my chest. Also, a bit of re-shaping, plumping up, like a pillow. I want bigger, shaplier boobs than I already have. I will undergo the horror of some Barbie Doll doctor cutting into me with scalpels and stainless steel, rearranging my interior, molding me like so much Playdoh. And then ensuing problems. The risk of dying under the knife at the hands of a novice anaesthesiologist. The risk of becoming addicted to painkillers and requiring a nice stay at the Betty Ford clinic to recuperate. The risk of my body rejecting the implants. The risk of...*gasp* puckering, scarring, one boob hanging lower than the other...nipple size way off, the color of cheap putty and not the nice sassy pink I specifically requested with the computer program.

Just thinking about it scares me witless..I don't know if I have the guts. The sheer bravado, the fortitude, the charact...oh wait. I don't have to do this..! That's right, I forgot, I have a CAFFEINE ADDICTION! I can have a nice hot steamy cup of molten caffeine, yes I can!
No need to get all crazy. No need to lose my mind. No need whatsoever to get all stupid and shallow and caught up in my appearance. Well. appearance, now that's another post for another day.. :)