That’s How I Roll…..

Yes, friends. Another Endless Commute and I.

Tuesday night, a drive that should normally take 20 minutes has sapped yet still more of my life force away..an hour and a half’s worth. At this rate, I could be dead by spring. What’s going on out there? Doesn’t anyone know how to drive? Sure, the Volvo owners can. And the Beemer-ers, and Mer-Caddys. Their cars practically drive themselves.

A true test of driving ability is to put someone into a beat up piece of shit Ford with el crappo winter tires, (they were on sale! watch me slide!) and let them hit the highway. Guaranteed this clown will be personally responsible for the ten mile long backlog of ranting, raving, foaming-at-the-mouth drivers who are paying thru the nose for thoroughbred automobiles. Automobiles with winter tires that can handle snow and ice like they’re one with the road, like they're glued, nailed, railed. Only to crawl along at the speed of fuckin reverse as some dumbass tries to keep his POS on the road and not go skidding off into pedestrianland and chalk up a few Kill points.

Ha. Reminds me of that scene in Office Space, where the traffic goes slower than the old man with the walker.

Listen, people…if you can’t afford good winter tires, take the goddamn bus. You thoughtless, inconsiderate, goatfucking road whores. I don't much care what you drive...just drive the damn thing already.
And get outta my way.
Because, yes...I do own the road.

Estimating the Airpspeed Velocity of an Unladen Swallow.

She seems lazy and out of shape. Seems. I have been fooled many times, and yet I do not learn. She will puff and huff when she greets you at the door, like as if it’s sooo much work. Jumps up and down a couple times, wags the tail, barks for good measure, then goes back and lies down. She sleeps the day away. Sleeps the night away. Might make a big show of growling and snapping while being shoved out of her chosen spot on the sofa if you are silly enough to attempt it.

How then can this selfsame lazy animal shoot out the front door like a bullet and yank my arm (ripped right off and reattached daily at the shoulder…) halfway up the block at the speed of light just to suddenly stop dead in a powdery fluffle of snow and unload a pile of crap large enough to make an elephant proud?

How can she even carry all that crap at that speed? More like a laden swallow. Then she will dance a further ten blocks, sniffing and snuffing and rolling her nose gleefully around in Dog only knows what foul and unmentionable…oh, the complete and utter joy of being a dog.

But for the foulness, I wish I could be her for a day. Hell, a week. In fact, if it wasn’t for the fact that dogs cannot own money and do their own shopping, I’d come back in my next life as someones spoiled rotten lickyfaced lap puppy. Guaran-fuckin-teed. Bring me another treat, slave.

And snap to it or the new rug gets it.

Bored Witless Here, People.

Speaking of blogs...what are people thinking? Really, the emphasis should be on readability. I've clicked on a number of promising looking Blog pages, only to give up in disgust at the lack of facile readability.
Firstly, I do not own a magnifying glass to read the extremely fine print. Have pity!
Also, I do not have a thousand hours of spare time to rummage thru a cluttered blog to find the funny bits. Really, I've got a schedule to stick to, please try to oblige me by not forcing me to read endless bits of inane drivel just to find the good shit, you sick, sadistic bastards.
I do not care about your pics of fugly pets (yes, this continues to be an issue for me >:] ) and lastly,
I really do not give an assfucked rats fucked up ass about your personal issues regarding politics. I really don't. No one does, if they were to be honest about it. NO ONE CARES. Deal, and move on.
I mean, as I've mentioned previously, I am here primarily for the entertainment value. If not, there are some perfectly good DVD's over there beside the TV awaiting my viewing pleasure. But no, here I am, trudging my way through boring Blogs with nothing to show for it but endless reams of wasted time as I read words, word after boring word, letter after letter, one after a mindless other, telling me, essentially, that the Blogger has no imagination, no brains, and maybe even no physical body. The Blog itself certainly doesn't.

Geese, people. Make me laugh. Do I ask too much? You, the guy with the graphs, pay attention!!

For A Good TIME, Call...

So having made myself at home a bit, pushing buttons and wondering what THIS does, I've spent a bit of time lurking around other people's blogs to see what kind of stuff they write about. Inspiration hunt, I call it. Mostly all I found was the usual number of boringass crap, like recipes and pics of people's fugly pets --->
:)
Plus, one guy had a blog made up of, I kid you not, graphs. Seriously. Graphs. Cuz, really, for entertainment value, while surfing the net, that's just what I'm looking for...graphs!
....zzzz ZZ zzzz :P

At any rate, I found a rather cool looking clock on one guys blog. See the pretty round aquablue thing down in the right hand corner? Scroll down, fool. Hey, we all need to be harassed yet once again about what frikkin time it is...it's not enough that you already have the time in the lower right hand corner of your own computer screen, above which my pretty new aquablue clock is ticktockin away.. and on your DVD player across the room. And your microwave oven, and your cell phone, and beside your bed, and and and...and so, meanspirited malevolent creature that I am, I've added still another clock to the endless torment that is your life, to haughtily inform you of what time it is! In case you DO NOT KNOW...haha! Just my way of saying, hey, life is short, people, quit sitting here reading about my boringass life when you have one of your own to live! Get out there! Right, right?

Well then. Since you're so determined to sit here, you might as well be helpful. So if you stumble across any interesting blogs from whence I can find more equally cool yet totally redundant stuff, hey, let me know. I love a good read. No graphs!!