Fly Me A River....

So, okay. What is the deal with the airlines these days? Here I am, packing for my flight out West, and I have absolutely no frikkin idea what I can put into my carry-on bag. Perfume? No, I could use that as a weapon! Stink up the entire plane like a French whore house by dousing my neighbour (who obviously has never heard of soap...the thoughtless, inconsiderate bastard) and set his skanky ass on fire. There ya go, instant purification! HAHA! HA! Go buy some soap, you stench ridden pustule!

How about eyebrow tweezers? Nope, too pointy. Potential weapon. Nail file? Out of the question. A well-armed woman with a nail file can most certainly hijack a plane merely by holding it against the nearest stewardesses perky throat. "Take me to Calgary!!" Uh, ma'am, we're already going to Calgary..."Get me there faster, the guy next to me smells like a goat that just rolled in Chanel Number Two." Uh, yes ma'am...anything else? Peanuts??? Here, try some of our tasty fish for lunch...

>:/

Nevermind, I saw the movie, I know the pilots get food poisoning from the fish. Haa. They will not be forcefeeding me their toxic waste cleverly disguised as food. Nay. Not to be. But dammidall, it's a 5 hour flight, which means I'm gonna starve. I will bring my own, thinks I! And therein lies my dilemma...what can I carry on board?? I DO NOT KNOW!! Twinkies? Prolly not. I am sure someone can figure out a way to hijack a plane with a Twinkie. *sarcastic tone*

How aggravating it is to travel. I don't know what to take, what is allowed, what is not. How much luggage, what color?? Must the pieces match? Are there other restrictions now? The rules seem to change so fast. The last time I flew was a whole year ago..what if they won't let me board because my outfit doesn't match my carry-on bag? What if my M&M's are seized and I am forced to mail them back to myself at 4 times the price they cost me?? What if I cannot get thru the metal detector because of the 9mm Beretta I crammed up my ass? In a plastic baggie, people, geeze, I'm no fool, I watch the movies, remember? Wet, nasty guns don't fire! Everyone knows this.

And to amuse myself...a CD player?? no, CD's are metal and a)won't make it through the metal detector, b)have been replaced by MP3's, please try to keep up, and c)could be used to hijack a plane if snapped in two and flung with the deadly precision of a boomerang. Beheadings at 30,000 feet! What a cool movie that would be! I wonder if Samuel L. Jackson would want to be in it..?

And how about a book to read? NO!! Paper cuts...a brand new page could potentially be used to slit someones throat with. I've seen Jackass, The Movie. Well, okay, heard about it. Who watches that crap anyways? I heard about a scene where one guy gives himself paper cuts between his fingers. I mean, really. The gene pool needs to be drained, hosed down with gasoline, filled with sagebrush and set on fire. A book is a lethal weapon in the right hands, though....like mine. :P

When did normal, useful items pertinent to our comfort and daily living suddenly become so threatening? Is an Advil considered a life saver, or a life taker? If fired out of a slingshot made with pantyhose, could an Advil be shot with enough speed to enter the cranium and exit the other side? Or would it get lodged halfway through? Or would it simply bounce off and put someones eye out???

I DO NOT KNOW.

Will the insanity ever end?

Counting..

..the days until I leave for my vacation. Which will be a complete relaxation fest, with as little planned as possible except for whatever it will take to avoid inconvenience. I truly do not understand people who work harder to plan and execute a vacation than they do to work for a living. The goal is to remain/become stress-free. Why invite trouble? Bookings, plannings, itinerarys, ticking the boxes, herding the family around like so much prodded cattle, all the while yapping at their heels that they may have forgotten the sunscreen/camera/tickets/passports. And scrambling to get to each destination on time and bustling through it, onwards to the next...all the while missing 80% of the fun while running in circles in total panic mode over each little detail possibly overlooked.

Hell, I'm mentally fatigued just typing that crap out. What nonsense. Why can't people just learn to relax and chill? What has happened to us? To our society? Why the constant need to be bombarded with information, sights and experiences until our overloaded brains just want to cringe and whimper and curl up into tight little fetal positions at the mere thought of the next days Joyfest of Adventures?? That wonderful haphappy List of Things We Absolutely Will Be Doing No Matter What Cuz Dammit I Paid A Fortune To Be Here And We're Gonna Have Fun If It Kills Us!!!!!

To all that foolishness, I say: bother me not. Give me a nice, relaxing visit with friends and relatives, with people I do not get to see often. To go to those places that I want to go to but never seem to have the time. Give me the time spent chatting over simple, everyday things, and enjoy the daily pleasures many of us so often overlook in our haste to get things done. Take the time to look around, see things you normally don't. The sheer luxury of taking your time to experience...whatever catches your fancy. Go to local places you never have time for but keep saying you should go to. Go to places that don't even look like they would interest you, but you will probably love the experience.

Half of us could have incredible vacations in our own cities and don't even realize it. Because of the mythological lure of distance and travel. It's the glamour created by airlines and travel agents....the mystique of Far Away Places!! Exciting...because they tell you it is. But it's your money and your time being wasted on hurricane season and language barriers, the frustration and exhaustion of travelling. How about using your time wisely and staying in your own country? How about the allure and mystery of finding things in your own city, how about spending money to support your countries own tourist attractions and restaurants and culture?

And does anyone even know what quality time is anymore? Perhaps only those of us who find beauty in dandelions as well as orchids. Who find magic in a conversation with a child as well as the celebrity. Quality time is a catchphrase that has come to mean "cramming as much into as tiny a time allotment as possible." This was never how it was meant to be. It does not mean running your children like pony express carriers in order to finish touring places they won't even be able to remember because it whipped past them so fast. Slow down, take it easy, and chill the hell out. This is my advice to you all as vacation season approaches.