Fly Me A River....

So, okay. What is the deal with the airlines these days? Here I am, packing for my flight out West, and I have absolutely no frikkin idea what I can put into my carry-on bag. Perfume? No, I could use that as a weapon! Stink up the entire plane like a French whore house by dousing my neighbour (who obviously has never heard of soap...the thoughtless, inconsiderate bastard) and set his skanky ass on fire. There ya go, instant purification! HAHA! HA! Go buy some soap, you stench ridden pustule!

How about eyebrow tweezers? Nope, too pointy. Potential weapon. Nail file? Out of the question. A well-armed woman with a nail file can most certainly hijack a plane merely by holding it against the nearest stewardesses perky throat. "Take me to Calgary!!" Uh, ma'am, we're already going to Calgary..."Get me there faster, the guy next to me smells like a goat that just rolled in Chanel Number Two." Uh, yes ma'am...anything else? Peanuts??? Here, try some of our tasty fish for lunch...

>:/

Nevermind, I saw the movie, I know the pilots get food poisoning from the fish. Haa. They will not be forcefeeding me their toxic waste cleverly disguised as food. Nay. Not to be. But dammidall, it's a 5 hour flight, which means I'm gonna starve. I will bring my own, thinks I! And therein lies my dilemma...what can I carry on board?? I DO NOT KNOW!! Twinkies? Prolly not. I am sure someone can figure out a way to hijack a plane with a Twinkie. *sarcastic tone*

How aggravating it is to travel. I don't know what to take, what is allowed, what is not. How much luggage, what color?? Must the pieces match? Are there other restrictions now? The rules seem to change so fast. The last time I flew was a whole year ago..what if they won't let me board because my outfit doesn't match my carry-on bag? What if my M&M's are seized and I am forced to mail them back to myself at 4 times the price they cost me?? What if I cannot get thru the metal detector because of the 9mm Beretta I crammed up my ass? In a plastic baggie, people, geeze, I'm no fool, I watch the movies, remember? Wet, nasty guns don't fire! Everyone knows this.

And to amuse myself...a CD player?? no, CD's are metal and a)won't make it through the metal detector, b)have been replaced by MP3's, please try to keep up, and c)could be used to hijack a plane if snapped in two and flung with the deadly precision of a boomerang. Beheadings at 30,000 feet! What a cool movie that would be! I wonder if Samuel L. Jackson would want to be in it..?

And how about a book to read? NO!! Paper cuts...a brand new page could potentially be used to slit someones throat with. I've seen Jackass, The Movie. Well, okay, heard about it. Who watches that crap anyways? I heard about a scene where one guy gives himself paper cuts between his fingers. I mean, really. The gene pool needs to be drained, hosed down with gasoline, filled with sagebrush and set on fire. A book is a lethal weapon in the right hands, though....like mine. :P

When did normal, useful items pertinent to our comfort and daily living suddenly become so threatening? Is an Advil considered a life saver, or a life taker? If fired out of a slingshot made with pantyhose, could an Advil be shot with enough speed to enter the cranium and exit the other side? Or would it get lodged halfway through? Or would it simply bounce off and put someones eye out???

I DO NOT KNOW.

Will the insanity ever end?